Pool Protocol

Flyer I Should Have (in Hindsight) Prepared in Advance to Hand Out to Everyone at the Rec Center Pool During My Kids' Swim Lesson:

Good evening fellow pool patrons, swim instructors, life guards, and pool manager! 

You've probably figured out that I am with the lanky boy in the short-shorts wetsuit-type swimsuit--the one with scary looking red spots all over his arms and legs. I sense you are concerned about pool plague. 

Let me take this opportunity to explain that:

A) my son's skin condition is not contagious,

B) it's called Gianatti-Crosti Syndrome. Google it. Also,

C) thanks for staring.

A few points of interest to you this evening: 

* My lanky son with the short-shorts wetsuit is so clad to prevent him from disrobing in the pool. The wetsuit is hard for him to remove without help. Voilá! No more public nudity.

* My two boys are here for their private swim lesson. This is the expensive alternative for special-needs kids who can't tolerate the cheaper public group swimming lessons. No big deal. All part of Water Safety! Initiative, as well as the Therapeutic Sensory Water Play! Initiative. Also part of the Let's Spend Like Ten Grand Teaching Our Kids To Swim! Initiative. 

* Many of you have noticed that my kids have one volume in public. I have also noticed this. And what's more, I do not know at this time how to turn the volume down.

* I think we should all take a moment to ponder the miracle invention that is the lazy river in the rec center pool. Isn't it majestic? It's a sensory heaven and purgatory wrapped into a single life vest, swirling through a swift channel, in my boys' opinion. It's a little bit scary and a LOT super fun.

* The shrieking and bellowing coming from the family change room is because if a certain someone gets so much as a drop of water on his dry clothes after swimming, he MUST SCREAM HIS RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. On a related note, poolside change rooms are permanently wet, making the after-swim ritual of getting dressed with inevitable drops of water on our clothes totally Sisyphean.

* Smart people, like my sister Sarah, sometimes think of genius solutions better than shell-shocked automatons like me. Everyone waiting in line for the soaking wet family change room can thank Sarah for the "terry bathrobes" idea that will simplify our future post-lesson departures.

That about covers it. Hope you enjoy your night at the rec center pool, folks. We will see you next week.