Little Prince

Thanks to the Internet, we now have instant, round-the-clock access to everything we didn't know we cared about. If the Internet were a hipster, it would glare at us over the chunky rims of it's nerd glasses while stirring it's mug of chai and snark, "You're welcome."

I mean really, I saw a headline today stating that the royal baby left the hospital swaddled in Aden and Anais wraps, buckled in a Britax infant car seat. Is this for all the royal baby watchers, the ones who have held off naming their newborns until they hear the prince's name so they can copy it?

While everyone in England is feeling ducky and brilliant about the royal newborn, I just keep thinking that the poor kid is already a celebrity and he's only one day old. His image is already flooding the Internet. He will be surrounded by security his entire life.

What if he simply craves a quiet life with freedom to come and go as he pleases? What if he doesn't want to be a royal or a celebrity? What if he stutters and doesn't want to be king? (I know, that already happened. I loved that movie).

I frankly would abhor a giant international media spotlight glaring into my life. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have the grace and poise of the Duchess of Cambridge to smile and wave at the hordes of spectators who came to see my firstborn child.

When I left the hospital with my first baby, I was sleep-deprived and stressed-out. I totally wasn't wearing a summery frock and my hair was way less perfect than Kate Middleton's. But at least I didn't have an army of paparazzi camped out to see what my baby was wearing in his new little baby bucket. I like the option of anonymity. I like flying under the radar. I favor privacy.

I suppose there are worse circumstances into which an infant could be born. The new prince won't lack for opportunities. And he will likely get to spend some quality time in Balmoral Castle in Scotland, which looks completely magical.

Anyway, about the Internet. It also turns up the fabulous. I also saw this Buzzfeed headline recently: Woman Attacked by Pack of Adorable Little Goats, which sums up my life in a succinct, surprising way.

Thanks Internet. You are big and random and over-reaching and funny. Now go back to posting royal gossip, along with pics of your lunch on Instagram.